Wednesday, October 20, 2010

When The Truth....Helps

I didn't want him to tell me I looked "disgusting;" I wanted him to tell me I looked beautiful.

I didn't want them to tell me to eat more; I wasn't hungry.

I didn't want to look in the mirror; I was fat.

I didn't want to sit down; standing burnt more calories.

I didn't want to be where I was; but I couldn't get back to where I'd been.

Some of my friends knew this about me because they watched it happen but I never ever talked about it.

Until right now.

When I was in 7th grade, I somehow developed an eating disorder. I don't think it happened intentionally...maybe they never do, but it happened and I slowly dropped to around 99 lbs at 5'7. I had some good friends at Lincoln Christian who were just naturally thin and for me it was difficult because while I knew I was built different and was in no way big...I was bigger than them. So I started restricting calories and I can't explain the rush but somehow there is a feeling of pride each time I resisted eating something I was craving.  But then I moved and for some reason the drastic change of  pace snapped me out of that world and thankfully I was safe...for a while.

Those little thoughts somehow snuck back into my heart in college. The weird part was, I never dropped to such an unhealthy weight as I had in 7th grade but I felt the same pain. By my senior year I had covered all my mirrors in my room with stick thin models thinking if my reflection didn't look like that, at least I could see someone's who did. I admired those girls. I was probably only eating 500-800 calories a day and running like crazy but I just couldn't get as thin as them and thankfully I was surrounded by girls who ate healthily so there was no added pressure from them.

I was probably about 120 lbs by the time I was going to graduate but my goal was 110. And that goal would probably have continued to drop but God used ONE comment to help me. ONE comment that changed everything. ONE comment from the least likely of ex-boyfriend. He really can use everything to work together for our good. I truthfully do not know, had that comment not been made if I would be where I am now. I hope I would have recovered anyways, but I just don't know... 

I had left a few CD's and things over at Brock's house and I hadn't spoken to him or seen him in about 6 months. I finally asked one of my friends to go over there with me and she agreed. When I showed up he literally with an appalled look said "Oh my gosh Amber, you look disgusting!!! I know we aren't dating anymore but if you don't go and get something to eat immediately I will TAKE YOU."  I seriously just stood there with a dropped jaw. Here I was starving myself to look "beautiful" and he just said I looked disgusting. At first I was proud that he could tell I'd lost alot of weight (That's the crazy part of your mind that isn't working when you're battling anorexia) and then it really hit me...wait....wait a second...disgusting. He just said I looked disgusting...why would I ever want anyone to use that word to describe me? Isn't that going against everything I am working towards??

So, from that moment everything changed. I took down the pictures. I threw away the scale. I went grocery shopping and bought other things for breakfast; not just sugar free red bulls. And I slowly, prayerfully, worked my way up to 125 lbs. However, it was still a battle of the mind, because while I knew I was now at a more healthy weight, each bite was a purposeful effort knowing my body needed the nutrition. And, the instant I thought about skipping a meal, etc I had to talk myself out of it and reassure myself it was important to eat..three meals a day...a balanced diet. How much do I sound like a weight watchers commercial right now?? :)
But now, now I am free. I cannot tell you the joy of not worrying about what you are eating or what the scale says. Sure, I want to get back to my pre-Clara bear weight but I have 5 lbs to go and truthfully if they decide to stay forever I am okay with that. I love enjoying meals out with my family and being able to have 3 pieces of cake at a wedding. *wink wink*  Jenilee lol! :) But I truly am free, and I saw someone at the wedding who has been battling this for a long time now and my heart ached for her. She was so frail and tiny and when we ate lunch she ate a seperate meal of bread and lettuce. And of that sandwhich she probably took 3 bites.

I don't know why after all this time, I decided to write about this, but I just felt I should. I love the Audrey Hepburn quote on my blog, "I believe that happy girls are the most beautiful girls." Because they are...we all know girls who appear to invest every ounce of effort into looking "beautiful" but simply look defeated. That is not how God intended it to be though!!  Maybe someone out there who reads this blog battles those thoughts...I think in a way...all women do. I think all women long to be skinnier than they are, more "beautiful" than they are and we/I have to remind myself that God made us exactly how we are for a wasn't a mistake you look the way you are. "You were beautifully and wonderfully made" and you are LOVED more than you can imagine by someone who knows you better than anyone in this world. 

 4 Generations of ladies God loves and made for a purpose! :)
(as he did all of you!)

Happy Wednesday lovely ladies...and handsome gentleman!


Ally said...

What a journey you've been on - thank you for sharing your story!

I had a good friend in high school who also suffered with anorexia, and it wasn't until a very similar thing happened to her - a guy telling her she looked gross instead of good - that it finally hit her how poorly she was treating her body. I was just so thankful she was mentally well enough to hear that comment and get herself healthy again, just like you did! :)

kayla said...

Wow Amber, I had no idea that you had to fight this disease in the past. My best friend in Highschool had an eating disorder. We always knew something was going on, but she would deny everything until we confronted her and told her enough was enough. She ended up being hospitalized for it...and thankfully she managed to recover from it. It was really scary to see her go through something like that.

So glad that you are mentally and physically healthy now, and also a very beautiful woman! I sure miss your bright and shiny face!! :)

Kristi said...

Thanks for sharing your story. You may be helping people, women, who are going through this right now.

So glad you're healthy now!

~ The Speckled Dog

kristen said...

ugh, I hate having to deal with weight issues. Go you for overcoming your disease and growing from it as well. You are an awesome chica!

Kat said...

You have a beautiful story... I love how our God works and how He heals wounds. Thanks so much for sharing.

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