Before I start this, can we just all seriously go read the anonymous message on my last post. Is that awesome or what?!?! I love how Jesus does that...love it...love it...and love it some more. I hate that people have to go through difficult, painful situations but how awesome when God brings us the right message at exactly the right time.(Insert fist pumps) :) Praying for you girl!!
P.S. Before I begin...this is long. You know it's bad if I have to start a post with a P.S. lol :)
And now to begin...where to begin? I read this quote from an Amy Carmichael book and it is the only way to truly describe what I'm feeling now...
"The night I sailed for China, my life, on the human side, was broken, and it never was mended again. But He has been enough."
Amy was called to leave all her family, her friends and anyone she held dear in her heart, to set sail for China in March, 1893, because she knew God called her to go there. She obeyed; but it broke her heart...literally.
I know this happens to millions of women. I thought I was prepared for it as best possible. I told myself, if I ever lost a baby I would be "strong in the Lord" and I would be fine. No one would even know I had been hurt because I would handle the situation with such grace. Oh.My.Have.I.Not. And, it quite literally feels as though my heart is broken...never to be mended.
I'm fairly certain the girls in my Monday morning Beth Moore study saw the truth. Maybe it was because I couldn't even get out the words "I'....sniff...'mm...fii...sniff...nnee...snif...." When "I'm fine" proves to be difficult to say, it is most probable to assume they could see I was in fact not fine. So, after accepting the fact that I would just be crying all morning, I let the tears roll and as intently as I could, listened to Beth speak.
Here's the thing...I would have reached full term this past Monday. 37 weeks. I want my baby back. I don't want him or her to be watching me from heaven, I want to be watching them on earth. I don't want God to give me gifts I cannot keep right now. When this all went down back in August, I thought after some long nights, my heart was healed and I was ready to say good-bye. But somehow around October, I realized I was wrong. Dearly Wrong.
I realized not only was I still hurting, I was mad. SO mad! It called everything I believed into question. Was God really good? Could I really trust him with everything? Did He and how could He say He loved me and watch me lay in our bed in what felt like physical, unbearable pain?
When all of a sudden I realized; my faith wasn't rooted in a solid foundation it was simply built on a foundation of beliefs brought to me from my parents and my background, and it was shaky ground. Very shaky. It was actually very scary for me to even realize how shaky my faith was....
So, when I left work in October, I started searching.(I bet you guys didn't know I was doing this did you? Look at me being all scholarly lol!) :) Diving into theologians discussions of the sovereignty of God and the qualities that make Him trustworthy. J.I Packer and A.W. Tozer became my nightly companions. And that Heaven book...yes I needed to be assured there was hope at the end of all this. And thankfully...side note...I was assured! :) Lastly, I listened to sermons on the historical proofs of the bible, and that is exactly what I want to share with you all right now. Because they are of the most importance....and whether you believe in God or not...you NEED to know this. You need to know of the historical accuracy of the bible because I think once you understand that it will change everything. There will be no more room for questions. No more reasons to doubt. No more room for shaky foundations!
If studying the books of Antiquity (essentially old books with a fancy name lol) you will find some of the earliest writings to detail the story of Alexander the Great. Now, what you may not know is that while he lived in Jesus's time...these stories were actually written what historians believe to be 400-500 YEARS after the fact. So, what we as a nation, accept as ABSOLUTE FACT were in fact written hundreds of years later. Do you remember how when you were little you played telephone and by the time it got around the table, maybe with 8 girls relaying the message it sounded completely different? Okay, now take that game and multiply it by like 50 gajillion people and hundreds of years. I'm thinking a few things may have been changed!?!?!?! But again, our society accepts his story as COMPLETE FACT.
Okay, now onto the bible (remember we are looking at the bible from a completely historical point of view). Scholars have found that you can trace Paul's creed to somewhere around 30-40 A.D. meaning this was written 2 years.... are you all listening?? :) TWO YEARS after it happened. FIVE years sits between some of the gospels and Jesus's life, and a max of 30-40 years time difference with the other events recorded in the new testament and the life of Jesus. Okay, so something people have called a fable has at least been written 360 years prior to the writings recording the life of Alexander the Great which in history happened at the same time, as Alexander was alive during Jesus's time.
So maybe just sit on that a bit...
Now the biggest kicker...after Jesus died a dramatic change happened in the lives of the Jews. Millions abandoned their old laws and ways as Jesus dying on the cross changed everything for them. Over 500 people saw that the same man who had been on that cross and placed in a very detailed location, was in fact alive 3 days later. Very alive. This was not a myth, this was fact. A man rose from the dead and appeared to hundreds and then ascended into heaven in front of others.People saw it and recorded it very very soon after the fact. Scholars do not argue that some dramatic event caused this significant change in Jewish customs from that moment in history, they just won't conclude it was because a man named Jesus had risen.
And, with that said, the bible STILL has been (according to historians and scholars) the most accurate history book ever written. The things that can be proven have been...and new artifacts are found as proof every day; even now. The only inaccuracies they've found were grammatical, when translating from Greek to English. But does that surprise me? No. Should it surprise you? No. Because what the world wants to call a story, a fable, God has written to leave no questions. His work and words are perfect, and trustworthy and real.
There is so much more God is showing me daily, to help me trade in my shaky foundation, for a very real one. A solid one. But I think I will save that for another day as this is already an extremely long post. However, let me end with this...
While this process has been at times unbearable when I think of the loss of my sweet baby, I am grateful...so grateful, that it has brought me to a much more REAL place with God and caused me to fall even more in love with MY JESUS. :) While some days are harder than others and tears fall, I am more assured and more confident than ever that he is catching those tears and loves me more passionately than anyone else can.
So, as Amy encouraged us...our human hearts may be broken, never to be mended on this earth; but God's Healing Hand will be enough to carry you on...This is a promise.